All She Wrote
by Nomidzomai
Summary: During a few uneventful weeks, Hoshi decides to escalate the prank war.
1. Chapter 1

It had been three weeks since they had come across any planets. Or ships. Or anything. The occasional set of orders from Starfleet command amounted to barely more than "Keep going. Have a nice day." The universal translator was functioning perfectly (and was, as always, prepared to break down the minute they needed it), and Hoshi had absolutely nothing to do.

"T'Pol, you have the bridge. I'll be in my ready room." Hoshi sighed. Obviously, even the Captain was bored. At least he got to watch water polo when he went into his ready room. Probably a little porn, too, considering how much time he spent in there. Her eyes enviously followed him as he exited the bridge, until they lit on Trip and Malcolm, heads together, giggling over what they were going to do in their free time.

_Hmmm, _thought Hoshi. _I could plant some ideas in everyone else's minds about their "free time." _ Her face acquired an innocent look as her mind set to work on nefarious machinations. As soon as she got off duty, she headed for the mess, PADD in hand.

_Dear Trip,_

_I was thinking of you this morning. In my imagination, you were making fun of crumpets, and telling me that pecan pie was in no way less than pineapple cake. I wish you would feed me some pineapple cake. We've upgraded a few weapons systems down here, and I was thinking maybe you could come down and test them with me. Call it a date. If you're game, we could always work on the older armaments as well. _

_All my love,_

_Malcolm._

Hoshi switched on the earpiece she kept for her own private use, listening in on stations all over the ship. Ah, at last, she had located her scapegoat. He was actually using a console in the gym. _How wonderful! _ she thought, engaging her recently programmed "send to all except Trip and Malcolm" function, as well as the protocols that would make it appear to have originated elsewhere.

_Is a weapons test really your idea of a hot date, Malcolm? Pineapple cake, though... That has possibilities. Shall I meet you in your quarters at 22:00? _

_-Trip._

_P.S. The older armaments are feeling somewhat rejuvenated after your letter._

This time it was "sent from" a workstation in engineering. Hoshi grinned and sat back with her coffee cup in hand, knowing all she had to do now was wait for the show to begin.She did not have to wait long, as a guffaw and the sound of a glass breaking nearby heralded the arrival of her messages in quick succession on all personal communications devices. Literally before they knew it, Trip and Malcolm would be overwhelmed by the rest of the crew's jokes at their expense. _Oops, _she thought, looking around for the source of the shattered glass. _I didn't want any actual injuries._

--------------------------------------------------

"Oh, no way!" hooted Elizabeth Cutler, almost oblivious to the jagged remains of her water glass clutched in her right hand as she stared at the PADD in her left. "That explains so much! Ha!" Her laughter was cut short when she looked over at her right hand, which was bleeding rather profusely. She stared in mild disbelief for a moment before wincing as she finally felt just how cut up her hand was. "Damn, I had to look. It just felt wet before."

Hoshi rose and turned fully toward her colleague, feeling a slight twinge of guilt. "You should see Phlox about that," she said. "Surely he'll be able to clear that up, no trouble."

"You're right. I'll do that. And there might be a few other things I'd like him to clear up for me."

_Odd, _Hoshi thought, watching Cutler almost skip off to Dr. Phlox's sickbay. _For someone who's leaving a blood trail, she sure looks cheery. _

_--------------------------------------------------------_

"What seems to be the prob... aha!" Phlox said as he appeared around the corner. "Well, we should be able to fix it without a fuss. Tell me, how did this happen?"

"Squeezed a glass a bit too hard," said Cutler, extending the damaged hand.

"Ah, well then... I had better use a Thyrician suction worm to make sure there are no more shards left." Cutler grimaced as he held out a glass jar full of what looked like neon orange leeches with long, pointy teeth. "Don't worry. Their saliva is antiseptic, you know!" With a great effort, Cutler pulled her eyes away from the leeches, one of which Phlox put to work cleaning the wound.

"I think if you'd seen what I saw while you were holding a glass, you'd have probably injured yourself, too."

"Why, what did you see?"

"I can't even begin to go there yet, but you'll find it if you access messages on your computer."

She had succeeded in rousing the doctor's curiosity, not that it ever took too much. Jar of leeches still in hand, he went to his terminal and checked his messages. The worms crashed to the floor and began wriggling around in the puddle of murky water that the late jar had contained. "Great heavens, this is fascinating!" he exclaimed, not seeming to notice or care that the animals were escaping. "Is this really a human mating ritual in action? What a splendid opportunity for observation!" He turned to Cutler, a PADD appearing suddenly in his hand as he prepared to take copious notes. "Would you say this is typical mating behavior for your species?"

"Well, doctor... Human mating rituals can go many different ways," she replied, batting her eyelashes at him significantly.

"Most interesting... For the sake of research, does your offer still stand?"

The frantic screeching of what could only be Phlox's bat jangled Hoshi's nerves as she was "channel surfing" on her earpiece some time later. "What have they been doing to you?" she muttered.

---------------------------------------------------------

Travis sat in the mess hall, drinking his coffee and checking his messages, trying to ignore Malcolm and Trip across the table from him.

"I swear, Corporal Cole gave me the oddest look this morning!" Malcolm was saying.

"Was your fly undone?"

"I don't..." Malcolm looked down for a moment. "No it wasn't!" he said emphatically. "Anyway..."

Trip interrupted him. "What I was trying to tell you is that you should reconsider coming to movie night this week! "Total Recall" isn't as bad as you might think! C'mon! It's classic Schwarzenegger!"

"He sounds like a Klingon."

"Well he doesn't look like one. Not even the mutants look like Klingons."

"Trip, it sounds beyond awful."

"Your loss then. Hope you change your mind."

Travis was finally able to access his messages.The first thing he saw, however, caused his mouthful of coffee to launch itself across the table as he violently choked, his eyes bugging out. Malcolm caught the brunt of the coffee. "Oh... uh... sorry," Travis spluttered, standing up so fast he almost fell over. "I should... um... I should go now. I'm going to be late." He barely stopped himself from running out of the mess hall.

Malcolm looked after him. "I had no idea someone with that skin tone could turn that particular shade of red. But you see what I mean, people are acting very strangely around me today." He looked down at his uniform. "Ugh, I'd just had this cleaned."


	2. Chapter 2

Archer looked over messages in his ready room as was his habit. After all, there was nothing happening and no reason for him to be bored on the bridge instead of bored in privacy. Reading his most recent communique however, he wished briefly that nothing was still happening. He knew full well that not only was Trip not gay, (not that he would mind, but there simply wasn't a straighter man in the galaxy, however pregnant he might have gotten that one time), but that his chief engineer wouldn't be stupid enough to send that message to the entire ship, nor would Malcolm, not to mention the two of them in succession. This meant that the real culprit had to be... Oh, god... it had to be Hoshi. There were precious few people on board who would be both that diabolical and that communications-savvy, and he doubted any of the others really had the writing ability when the chips were down.

_I really should put a stop to this, _he thought to himself. _But water polo season is over, I'm sick of "Andorian Girl on Girl Action IV", and Hoshi doesn't listen to me anyway_.

This whole episode would surely be done with and forgotten when they found a new planet to explore. There was no point in interfering, he decided. What Starfleet Command didn't know wouldn't hurt them, and he could enjoy the show and pretend to be clueless with impunity. For now, he figured he might as well watch that "chick flick" again. That one Andorian chick was pretty hot, and he sure as hell wasn't going to watch "Total Recall"

--------------------------------------------

"So, Lieutenant Reed, don't you think you should get ready for that hot date?"

"Come again?"

"You know, with Commander Tucker?"

"I beg your pardon...?" Reed's toolkit slipped from his grasp with a crash. "I do not have a date with..."

"Firin' off your phase cannons? Testin' your weaponry? Oilin' the ol' torpedo tube? Any of that ring a bell?"

"No, but I will take disciplinary action against anyone who suggests otherwise."

"The engineers tell me the message came from the gym."

"Then I will find out who was in the gym at that time and see that this affront to the dignity of Starfleet is duly punished!"

"Ah, but we know who it was already. It was Ensign Mayweather, sir; He was the only one in there at the time." Corporal Cole snickered silently at what she was about to do. "I would suggest, however, that you confer with Commander Tucker about due punishment. I believe one of his engineers has been implicated as well." _And with that, _Cole thought, _I have done my part to see that the crew is entertained. God knows we're all on the verge of firing at _ each other_ without a little amusement._

"Thank you, Corporal Cole." Reed looked murderous, but went back to supervising the routine, boring workings of his armory.

---------------------------------------------

"It did originate in engineering, sir," Kelby was saying. "From that very station." He pointed at a console in the wall. A very unhappy Trip Tucker glowered at him.

"Well, I know what _he _was working on at that time," Hess cut in, stepping onto the catwalk above the arguing men. "And it was just where the message from 'Trip' originated." She pointed to the station Kelby had indicated.

He blanched. "Wait, I wasn't... Just what are you insinuating?"

"Hess, I thought I assigned you to run routine diagnostics on warp field calibration."

"I did," she sighed. " Twice. There's not a thing wrong with them."

"Weird. It's been how long since something went haywire down here?"

"About three weeks, sir."

"Maybe the computer system has gone malevolent due to surreptitious alien reprogramming."

"Nothing wrong with the computer, sir!" Long called from across the deck.

"Hmm. Any intruders?"

"None, sir."

"Spatial or temporal anomalies?"

"Nothing on scanners, sir."

"Nobody screwing around with the grav plating, even?"

"No reports at all."

Trip sighed. Lord have mercy, was he ever bored. And mad, too. He fumed at Kelby in silence.

"In my opinion, we should probably just stand around engineering and try not to laugh at Commander Tucker too much," Long chimed in again. "It's pretty clear he had nothing to do with it."

"Mr. Kelby, return to your duties. I will be watching your every move... And if one more of those dang messages gets to anyone on the ship, you're going out the airlock." With a minimum of insubordination, Kelby walked away.

"If I might make a suggestion sir?" piped up Hess as soon as Kelby was out of earshot. "You should go see Lieutenant Reed, and consider your possibilities for retaliation." _And there's my good deed for the day, my little contribution to keep this boat running smoothly, _ she thought, seeing understanding and more than a little mischief flicker in her superior's eyes. _Much more boredom and we'll _ really _be at each other's throats._


End file.
